music from the other side of the fence

by sanatur a deo

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about

from the suffocating rubber clown suit of negativity

credits

released May 18, 2017

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all rights reserved

about

ラファエル Coimbra, Portugal

ध्या में रमण

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Track Name: role model
wish i was
miranda cosgrove
sitting in her room
watching porno
her hands slashed in twos
lying naked
drunk in bed
a real pop star

she goes
real superstar
she goes, goes
mass sensation
she goes
piss on her nails
she goes
her pussy so juicy!
delicious like sodomy
it doesn't matter

role model (4x)

SHE'S MY ROLE MODEL
SHE'S MY ROLE MODEL
Track Name: jazz hands!
here we are
welcome to the grand opening of
THE WORST MUSIC SPECTACLE OF ALL
where we offer you the finest of the finer things

where:
- charles mingus is a rat-suit
- albert ayler is a narcotic freak
- miles davis is an norwegian blonde
- john coltrane is organic dissolution
- sun ra is a delta blues storyteller
- eric dolphy is a morbidly obese man
- otomo yoshihide is all-american & proud
- charlie parker is a local journalist;

welcome to the show
this is not «trout mask replica»
or «bish bosch»
or a david lynch movie soundtrack
this is
THE WORST MUSIC SPECTACLE OF ALL

shake my hand & get the flu
visit my neighbor & find your buddhas
cross your fingers & sucker-punch a jew
grab a booty & get a call from hooters

quietly the rain streams down from the ashes
bill's corpse is untouched in this relic
do you like bread served with meat in it?
WE HAVE CRUSTY BALLS

this is,
ladies & gentlemen,
THE WORST SPECTACLE OF ALL
Track Name: nabokov
nabokov's daughter
in an orgy with
dostoyevsky's bastard child
read the signs & the authors
read the authors & the signs
lolita's crime and punishment
miranda asphyxiates in daylight
and sleeps until the far-east noon
oh sweet - sorely missed - grief
lyrical faux-prophet, sound thief
can you miss without having?
foucault was never as nostalgic as i am for you

ohhhhh yes!

yes, i need you, my fairy-tale
because you're the only person i can talk with
about the shade of a cloud
about the song of a thought
and about how
when i went out to work today and looked a tall sunflower in the face
it smiled at me with all of its seeds

oh and how tall was the sunflower
could barely reach it for how small i am

I’M A MIDGET
I’M A HAUNTED SONG
I’M A SELF-DIAGNOSIS
AND A FATIGUED LUNG

I FEEL ORDINARY
I FEEL FILTHY
I FEEL FAT
and i have ghost shells with me

sweet relief from hell
OH SWEET RELIEF FROM THE DEPTHS OF YOUR HELL
MY DEAD-END JOB
MY SOFT-CORE PORNOGRAPHY
MY ORAL FANTASIES
AND PHILOSOPHICAL NONSENSE

oh my body is a cage
a mecha-body, senseless
pathetic & failing

JESUS!!!

built like dali's melting clocks
flaccid, vapid, ominous, dull!
crisis-inducing


i'm sorry, miss days,
if i ever forced anything
a day sorely missed
but i neglected all of you

I’M A RAPIST

AVOID THE FAT IN MY STOMACH
AVOID MY RACKING, ACHING BELLY

FOCUS ON MY ROMAN POLE
FOCUS ON MY ANATOMIC PLANETS

RUB YOUR PORTALS ON ME
MAKE MY VORTEX QUIVER

SANGRE ES SACRO
SANGRE ES SACRO
SANGRE ES SACRO

KILL ME

SANGRE
ES
SACRO

I’M SORRY
I WENT OUT
AGAINST YOUR WILL

I’M FILTH
I’M MOIST
& FAT MATTER
I’M MONSTRUOUS
MONSTRUOUSLY VILE

I’M FILTH
I’M SCUM

KILL ME

ONE FOR ME
ONE FOR YOU

THE FATHER
THE SON
THE HOLY SPIRIT

MIRANDA

THE SUN
THE EQUINOX
AND THE MOON

AMEN
Track Name: aporia
sorry i dropped everything
as you got hooked to the only child of the priest's father who is my father's child
what am i to the ongoing priest?
a river shifts its waters but remains in the same place so what's a river?
it's leaves in the branches
it's me in the house
in agony

though camus said everything's absurd
and i can smoke how much i please
derrida said i should see myself seen by my animals
guess i'll hug my dog now
and get a cat
perhaps a bird
and all the white elephants i want
if only things worked out that way
i'd have some sort of company unrelated to arts & philosophy
it's meaningless & held in secret poignancy
it's aporia

it's the lack of necessity in the art of blaming
if only i were a jungle
as savage as language itself
as liberated as free-will
as powerful as the ubermensch
as capable & good-looking as you

i would set myself free & drown in the river of thee
i would set myself free & drown
in the river i just talked about
the fountain of thee
Track Name: midget
i hate my voice
& his is so much deeper than mine
on that periscope live stream
you kissed him & i shivered
he says the same things as me
"i want to thank my mom and my dad"
sarcastically in a nasal tone
same thing i said in the park once
he has the same chunky lips as me
& still you lick his fingers,
but not mine
- splattered in butthole oyster sauce -
i bet he's taller
& has a well-shaped body

& me?
i got a little stiff
and repented with suicide
i'm a worthless midget
i have the body of a 13-year old
ready for my 8th grade classes
on which i'll learn about x's and y's
equations, functions
& as the door shuts open
i'll be inserted in
the trash can of existence
the toilet of agony
the locker of suffering
the caffeteria of anguish
the basketball field
of inferiority

& you?
you irate me
it's expected from a girl
to be short but sweet and easy
& you're around 5.8
& i hate you for it
though i love you
you're the lucy to my slug
& what a damned slug i am
all my dreamed atmospheres
shattered
lied to, oh
god hates ugly
god hates me
please give me your body
your black dress and high heels
i wouldn't mind being denise
if that meant liberation and joy
i'm just a broken used toy
with its batteries gone dry
why
why me
why the suffering
why exist
why be
why
oh
why me

[incoherent screaming]
Track Name: fraud bar
i went to the fraud bar with...
...with peter damn daniel
his red car summoned my grandfather
but i felt alright
we arrived & entered the building
& all our fake friends were there
just hanging out at night

we played billiards & checkers
needless to say, i lost every match
i wrote a thousand songs about how much i suck at it
though merely one of those ended up published
on a faux-religious pretentious record
literally
no one
cared
about

three gorgeous women entered the bar
& i immediately felt pressured
like i had a stable adult job
or had something to prove
i don't know what it is with females
but they intimidate me every time
then me & the real niggas
smoked our cigarettes
one of them gave me two
what a nice gesture of his
what a nice thing to do

they picked on me
on my lamentable height
on my way of blowing the ash
& on my failing attempts
at playing meaningless games
& i pictured them raping me
so violently, with words
& i pictured the three women laughing
& my pet doggy dying in my arms there
& peter saying he doesn't love me anymore
& my mother giving birth to kalki the emperor
& here, there & everywhere i saw absent christs
& felt that sinking feeling i used to feel in high school

white ball
white ball
white ball
white ball
enters the hole

white ball
white ball
white ball
white ball
enters every hole at once
Track Name: grandpa's car
i remember wearing a corn costume for a carnival parade in 2002
& i remember stepping on a sidewalk holding hands with you
i remember you taking me to math tutoring with your red car in 2010
at that time i dated a black girl & played the drums in an awful rock band

i remember you liked soccer & agriculture too much
& i remember you prayed not exaggeratedly but enough
& i remember the local scandal with the party & the stripper girl
but that's an insider topic, though it made you regret being my granddad & your blood curl

i remember sitting in your lap while the tv bursted its monotonous shows & programs too loud & too often
i remember your capacity of listening to your loved ones' problems & your peculiar way to solve them
i remember you as one not that given to the affective side but that had a lot of love to give
i remember being hooked to my computer's video games & you telling me to get out & live

i remember walks with you & our lovely dog lord on a wednesday
& i remember the three of us there, lost in some sort of luminous summer haze
i remember your cancer diagnosis & my father coming back from africa & asking you if he should stay or go
to which you replied like some sort of jesus christ, "go, my child, & do it for the ones you love & know"

i remember your tremendous uncanny loss of fat, joy, appetite & hair
i remember you missing drifting the corners of your house and hugging my grandmother somewhere
i remember your disgusting way of eating potatoes with your mouth wide open to the point i'd feel poised to immediately throw up
but honestly i miss that, you were healthier & happier back then

i remember folding my hands & pressing them onto your chest as you lied on your deathbed
& i remember watching your dead body frozen like a yeti's head
i remember listening to some cheery afro-funk music at the hospital to lift my spirits up
& failing miserably at it, wishing your cancer would go away, wanting to melt my brains in the stove

all i remember is the cigarettes my dad threw in your grave to eradicate his vices altogether
though soon he returned albeit he now has a tattoo & i adopted his vices - to which i had always said "never"
all i know is we - your family - still own your red car & your boots of shiny leather
all i know is your body has dissipated with the worms but your being will remain trapped in the echelons of my heart & soul forever
Track Name: five years
2013
"bye lover, i must enter the bus"
"i'll call you as soon as i get home for you to know i'm safe & well"
half an hour later i ridiculously call you
you batter me
with words & ideals
with empyrean laughter & mortifying ordeals
i enter my dad's home music studio
with the sphincter walls & expensive drumsets
i pull a dagger from his dusty toolbox
& bleed my drumming arms for you, anita, to death

2014
"hi baby, you arrived early this time"
"i'll love you for as long as i can stand you & we'll marry in the village castle"
we drive pines & moonlights to have our intricate intimacy
jealous of arthur admittedly but you confirm he'll never be better than me
you posess me
with breasts & thighs
with child-like breaths & yawning skies
i enter our dimly-lit brick sextape bunker
with the condoms, the resentment & the lust
the only person to ever love me in this fascist world
i'm leaving, sarah, i must

2015
"hi loved ones, i wish i was dead"
"i'll drink myself to death with whiskey & spinning plates on the deathbed i slept in as an autistic kid"
spending new year's eve with the mothers & babies sleeping
& all the fathers gathering happily, extrovertedly at the beach bars
frustration hits me, i'll never apply, i'll never be loved
i'll never amount to anything, johanna, i'll never be enough
i enter the mall & you're waiting for me in front of the elevator
abiding the grandfather-killing machine, dali's great masturbator
you with your cove of love & then centuries of other girls more
& me in local portuguese telling me,
"sobe, salta, morre"

2016
"bye loved ones, this is the year"
"i'll climb those church steps, hit the ceiling, jump & split my ever-sickened brains wide open"
i surely experienced spiritual growth in the summer with friends on the beaches & isles
but what does that amount to when i'm still a mourning husband never ever competent enough to have dead wives
a thousand daggers in my arm are ants
in the mountain of what pure exorcism grants
i hope it gets better next year
i hope to meet her next year
i hope to smell flowers next year
i hope i live next year

2017
i take my dog for walks more often
i have this crazy trauma with knives
i love & hate myself simultaneously
i'm everyone i please & no one i really empathize with
i'm releasing my 6th record "music from the other side of the fence" in hopes of being celebrated for my inner demons or something
instead of judged as a social anomaly or an annoying preacher of lifeless philosophy & boring folklore
i'll probably not make music anymore
i don't think i'll hang myself this year, it seems
but who knows what might happen in 2018
i might win or lose myself
i might nullify myself
& erase everything i never meant to anyone or anything
Track Name: from the morning
(lyrics by nick drake)

a day once dawned
& it was beautiful
a day once dawned from the ground
then the night she fell
& the air was beautiful
the night she fell all around

so look see the days
the endless colored ways
& go play the game that you learnt
from the morning

& now we rise
we are everywhere
& now we rise from the ground
see she flies
& she is everywhere
see she flies all around

so look see the sights
the endless summer nights
& go play the game that you learnt
from the morning